Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
