You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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