i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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