There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
