Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Enjoy the penises
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
