I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
