ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
