That's when you crack a 10am beer
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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