isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
