Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
