I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So much rum. So many feels.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
