My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
