I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
