do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
