when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
