My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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