A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
