here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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