He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
