sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
