these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
