Cold hands, warm shart.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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