Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
