tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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