It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
