I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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