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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
