I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
