You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
