i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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