the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
