my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
