at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
