Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
