So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
