It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
