I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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