i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
