I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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