I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im holly from the hills drunk
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
