I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
