that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
