I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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