"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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