you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I touched a dick in church today
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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