I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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