TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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