i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
