you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
