dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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