I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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